What Does Grief Look Like? What Is It For? How Does It Serve Us?

Anyone who has suffered a loss will know, grief has many faces.
When someone dies, it changes us. Whether you admit to having feelings or not, whether you knew the person well, or not, life is different from then on. How so?
Anything that pings a note on our awareness resonnates for a while. That's why it's called awareness. That's why it's there. We are here to live, to be affected, to love, to lose & to grieve.
Experiences change us, agreed? What we choose to do with them all, well, there's the rub.

Not convinced?
I know there are people who profess not to be affected when they hear a past colleague or sometime acquaintance has died. I know there are people who seem to take death in their stride, accepting it as part of life, seemingly moving on with little effort......... sometimes within their own family. I don't know many myself, but I have seen it and I do hear about it- occasionally I wonder who is most blessed...... and then I know I love having these feelings and wouldn't be without them.
For those who seem to effortlessly make the choice to grieve in a state of acceptance, are you sure you feel any less than the rest of us? Is that not a reaction in itself? To be 'fine' about death is as useful to us as deep grieving. There is awareness to be had by all.
And what this tells us is that death, as life, is unique. Both for the individual shuffling off their mortal coil, and for each and every one of us left behind. For some, bereavement is heart-rending. It is a pain, an accute sense of loss and bewilderment, a questioning force from within (and without) that drives us to know......... more. It hurts like nothing else can. For some. For most I would say, but there are those who hide it well. This too is often a felt response to pain, to confusion. Some of us would fall apart if it weren't for the ability to choose to hold on tight.

Working through this pattern of new feelings can be a challenge. One day seemlessly blurring into the next, concentration failing, a numbness, life devoid of its usual character. Moments or days when life is good, exceptional even, only to be returned to that valley of 'why' and 'what's going on?'. I want to know what that is all about. I want to know how death serves us as people who live on after someone has gone. I am curious to know why we can be so rational in acknowledging that it simply was someone's time, young or old, and yet be so stirred by the lack of them.
Is it all about the physicality of our state? Is it all about no longer being able to see them, hold them, feel them with us in groups not the same without them...... Or is there more? Oh, I think that there is.

I have had many clients asking these questions of themselves and I can only feel that the uniqueness of life is there to show us what we need to see. To hold up experiences to feel, deeply or otherwise. And I also feel that with grief and loss as with everything, we have choice.
Having lost my Great Aunt only a matter of days ago, I know life has made an unalterable shift for me. Not least of all for the simple and beautiful fact that within my own family group she was one of a kind and I will miss her beyond words. To the point where I have yet to be able to express anything that makes any sense to myself or anyone else in my family. So for now her loss remains very private, very personal, and I don't expect anyone else to understand what I am going through. We all miss her, but in different ways for very different reasons, and that makes it painfully personal.
For me, grief is a beautiful thing and I know I will rise up in honour of my aunt, make her proud and take her with me wherever I go. I could never have taken her up a mountain with me these last few years, or ever in fact. But in death I can. She will now be with me always, all ways, because that is my choice. That is my chosen path through grief this time. Memories are a wonder to me, the more I let them come the more I let them come. I will be forever changed for the knowing of her, and forever grateful for the love of her. Her loss to me will never exceed the beauty and worth of her part in my entire life. I'm still here, on this mortal plane, living. Living. Living. Living. And always loving her.

Whatever your personal beliefs about where we all come from and where we all go to (or not) I say go with your feelings. I say take the paths offered through the loss, however unexpected they may be. Allow yourselves to see life as it truly is for you. Explore. Because death is not only about the person who leaves, it is so much more about the persons left behind who can choose to really live, and continue to love.
In death, I am unabandoned. That is my choice. Not a faith. As a human being, I feel joined to my aunt in a new way, with a new understanding of life. Missing her presence? No. Yes. Missing her is part of the journey.

For guidance through your own challenges and changes with life, go to my website at www.esteemsolutions.co.uk or contact me jennie@esteemsolutions.co.uk
It's so good to share, and it's good to be alive. I don't know about you but I have a wealth of opportunities to create and a lot of living to get in before I begin my own shuffle. Accidents with buses (or any other form of transport) aside, there's a long way to go and I'm going to do it with style. A modest lady my aunt, but she also loved a good dose of attention when needed! Here's to Auntie Kate and her impact on my life. With love, with thanks, with honour and proud distinction.